To a Former Crush

This is the first time I ever put this out in writing.  I am hoping that once I put on paper (or computer) it will be the last.  This past week I was visited by the memory of a former crush.  This crush was someone I interacted with on a weekly basis (sometimes two to three days a week). Since I don't think he will ever come across my blog, I will put some details here but I won't reveal his name for the sake of anonymity.  

Dear Former Crush

This week you have come back to my memory after ten years, ten long years.  To be truthful, I did not expect to see your memory again. In fact, and this is the truth, I have not thought about you since that last time I walked into your bank and made my last transaction there.  It was as if the moment I walked out of the bank, my thoughts and feelings for you disappeared.  I thought it was a sign, a sign towards a new life.  A sign that things would be different and for the better.  Well, I was wrong on the latter, but let's say life took over after that day.  My father died.  My new post was not the haven I had hoped for, the workload brought more stress and anger than I wanted and I ended up quitting my job, a job I loved, four years after that.  I was there a total of eight years and I missed it.  I missed what I did, I missed the people I served, I miss the people I met while serving the community.  I miss the person I was.  

How can your memory have popped up now?  That I cannot answer.  For some reason, after getting my booster shot and going to the Grocery Outlet, it popped up. My memory of you popped up the moment I walked into the store, and I don't know why.  It doesn't make sense.  Nothing reminded me of you, except a bouquet of carnations.  I don't recall why carnations would trigger it--I remember I gave you a yellow rose, but then I gave everyone that day a yellow rose.  Except for Suki (I think that was her name)--she got a yellow lily.  

What happened after was all the feelings I felt for you came to surface.  Some were like schoolgirl feelings, some were groan, how could that happen feelings.  The truth is I thought you were very attractive, handsome even.  I thought you were very nice as well.  My thoughts would race to your looks and our interactions, but I didn't have wild thoughts or fantasies.  That would be weird.  

I couldn't act on them because of many reasons.  The one main reason was I thought I was too old for you.  I know age doesn't matter but I was 29, almost 30, and I thought my age and your age (since you were in college) would be too great a gap.  Also, I had a lot of baggage emotionally.  I had too many broken relationships to cry about and I had some skeletons in the closet (my father was dying and my mother was a drunk).  Who is going to want a girl with that much negativity?  

One more reason: even though I thought you were cute, and you may have been available, despite what I felt, I just felt too afraid to open that door again.  I had a string of failed relationships and failed attempts at dating.  I attracted the wrong men.  Would you believe I attracted older men who were lonely?  For my sake, it was too big a risk for me.  And because I have been in your shoes, I thought I was doing you a favor by never pursuing this crush.  

I hope by writing this I can put these feelings that have recently showed up to rest.  I wish I could have been brave at the time to take the risk, but I didn't want to.  I don't know if I am brave to try to do it now.  And even if I did, I don't even know where you are or if you moved on and married or found a girl for yourself (or a guy if you are LGBTQ).  I hope by writing this, I will have closure and put your memory aside.  

Goodbye and have a good life.  You deserve it more that I do.  

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