Fantasy turned to realization

I am going to start by telling you about a very strange dream I had the night before. I was at the bank making the usual Friday afternoon deposit for the library, same tellers, same bankers, same building. However, there were very many differences: 1)I was in there for three hours waiting to make the deposit. 2) some of the tellers were now actual loan officers, (mostly the men, but that is for a different entry later) 3) I felt a strange sadness waiting to give them our collection for the last week. And then when I finally got to the teller, while I was making the deposit and chatting with her, my personal banker came to the window to make an announcement to me: started off with some nonsense about how the bank will continue to provide quality service to me and to the library while advertising some sort of bonus or whatever, but then his speech changed and then I realized it was to congratulate me on a new job or promotion I received. While he was talking, I found myself getting embarrassed and blushing furiously, and then I realized why because the speech was to me in front of the whole bank and their employees and how they wish me luck in my new endeavors and everyone was applauding, while I stood there with a red face, tears in my eyes and a glow in my heart though I felt a bit ashamed as well, especially when one of the tellers who stood in the back and was staring at me the whole time came to the window and said with a wide grin, "Congratulations" and I realized I wasn't sure why all this praise and then I woke up.

What is the point in telling you about this dream? I don't know for sure exactly but I think for the present I can tell what I do know from remembering this dream and my feelings:

I have discovered that:
1)I do not take praise or compliments very well--but I have known this for years, the last ten in fact, hence the feeling of shame.
2)I have trouble adjusting to change and feelings of a new atmosphere
3)The answer to the question I have been wondering for the last three and a half months, I have known all along, I just refused to believe it because I was afraid to have my heart broken again and hopes and fantasies diminished, and believe me when you are almost 30, and been through so many heartbreaking disappointments, your skin becomes so thick. Plus the wall around your heart becomes so frozen, that when someone touches it, no matter how they do it, in this case subtlely, when you feel your heart thaw, it feels painful and unusual and yet familiar, but at the same time, you are frightened at the touch even though you try to remain brave.

God was telling me in this dream: you are loved, as much you love others.

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