Communication: What Happens When I Cannot Get Though
I have been contemplating something for weeks that has been bothering me since it happened. Along with that, I am still bothered by the attitudes surrounding it. After many weeks, I am still at the same conclusion; not only that I am still baffled by why others would not agree with my conclusion.
A few weeks ago, I was moving my things from my apartment to a storage area and was scrambling to find people to help. I was in a bind because I had to be out by a certain date and my landlord had already made arrangements for another tenant to move in. (Along with that I could not afford the increase in rent which would have gone from $1050 to $1395. I don't have it). I originally called a moving company to see if they could do the job, however every weekend until my move out date was booked and a weekday would not work for me because I couldn't get the time off. I did manage to get two people to help me, a old colleague and his friend/roommate, to help. The arrangement I made was really clear: be ready to go as early as possible, move furniture, heavy boxes and packed items only, I would take care of snacks, drinks, whatever they needed as long as they communicated this with me, and the reward would be a big dinner wherever they wanted.
It did not happen that way or more to the point, it did not work out that way with my friend's roommate. What happened was Lou was ready to go as scheduled, Edie was not. Edie wanted to sleep in until 10am in the morning and called me the night before saying they would not be there that early. I had to call Lou to find out what was the real story; Lou ended up getting Edie out of bed early to get to my place. After we got going and got the truck ready for loading, Edie decided to take over the moving arrangements: she was ordering me to start packing items and that she was disappointed "this is not ready". I told her the concerns I had were the furniture and packed boxes, heavy ones priority; whatever was not packed, do not worry about. Edie didn't care because she wanted it done, done now, so she could go home, be with her son and plan for the Burning Man event in three weeks. Lou did most of the job with accuracy, speed and care; Edie was careless from the moment she got there. She was throwing boxes around saying "the light ones you can take over yourself". In her rush, she broke one bookcase that could not be repaired by dropping it outside and in her haste, dragged my dresser to the door and in the result putting so much stress on it, it collapsed. Along with that, she was complaining about the amount of books and clothes I had, why didn't I get rid of anything, more important, why didn't I get more help and why did I bother calling them when I could have called a mover or hired one of those guys waiting around at the U-Haul. I finally had to tell them after the second load to go home because this was really pissing me off. (I want to note that though I fixed the dresser and it is back to usable shape, the inconvenience in fixing it really did not cool down my fire about this). Along with that, since Edie was being careless with my items and complaining and whining, and would not give me a chance to explain or give feedback because she didn't want to hear it, I felt our business was done. One more thing: between loads they went home to shower and use the bathroom which took two hours and on the way to the storage unit, Edie lost the card with the code to gain access.
Considering all that happened on this weekend, I think the conclusion was obvious: Edie would not be asked to help anymore with moving or anything that needed help. Along with that, Edie would not be allowed in my home until it was understood that her behavior over this weekend was unacceptable and inappropriate. Don't get me wrong: I can understand if Edie realized halfway through she was not able to help due to mobility or weight of the boxes. But for her to sign up, do a job she knows she is not capable of, complain about it, be careless for the sake of saving time and as a result causing damage to my property was not acceptable. Before Edie can be allowed back into my home, I need to be perfectly satisfied that what happened on that weekend will not happen again and that whatever limitations she has are communicated to me before having her work. Lou is welcome into my home still, as long as Edie is not with him. No exceptions.
The aftermath of what happened also was unbearable. I had to start begging for help from everyone: old friends, strangers, family to get help. Unfortunately, assistance was not available which hurt a lot. But what hurt the most was when I asked my sister, Amy, for help and explained the story to her about what happened with Lou and Edie, Amy said: "Did you call a moving company?" I said yes, they were all booked. "What about Kathy?" (our aunt) I tried, I said, she is not free. "What about our cousins? What about your other friends? What about people at work?" I said I have tried, either they haven't got back to me or they are unavailable.
Here was what irked me the most during the conversation: during this I told her, "Look, I am trying everyone but I am beginning to run out of options. That is why I called you to ask for assistance." She said, in her psychiatric voice: "Well, I will be frank I understand Edie was a pain in the ass, but if you need this done and you have no one else to turn to, I would call her up, ask her to finish the job, and then cut her off if you need to." I told my sister that is not an option, I don't trust Edie in my home and she can't come back because of her irresponsibility and carelessness." "What is the problem; did Edie steal from you? All I have heard is that all she did was complain." I said, "Yes, but she was careless with my things, she broke my dresser and bookcase, I had to take time to get the dresser repaired, the bookcase is ruined. Edie lost the code to the storage area, she went home to get cleaned up between loads and didn't tell me where she was and she was being fast and furious with my stuff. I don't understand why this isn't clear enough". All Amy said was "Okay I still don't understand this. But if I were you, I would bring Lou and Edie back if you need this done and then let this go. I would come if I could but I still have to seal the new floor before it gets ruined by mold. By the way how is the new job? What is your new place like?" I felt like my needs were being swept under the rug like always. After giving generic answers to satisfy her and giving an excuse to hang up, I slammed the phone down and cried.
I kept asking myself what could I have done differently, how I could make this better? However, the questions that still come into my mind is "Why are my requests not clear? Why did it make sense to Lou and not Edie? Why is it not clear that I am not happy with the situation? More important, why after talking with Amy, my reasons for not allowing Edie in my home anymore, especially when they are valid and legitimate, don't seem legitimate at all?" The only conclusion I can come up with was that I am making my position clear, enough for Lou to understand, but Edie is so wrapped up with herself and whatever meds she is on, her communication skills and judgment are south. Bringing Edie to help was a mistake from the minute I called her.
What is worse, when I made my position clear to Amy about what happened to ask her for help, she used her psychiatric tactics to talk me into asking someone, even Edie and Lou, instead of her so she can be off the hook. Don't get me wrong: if Amy told me "Sammy, listen I am sorry. If I could help, I would. But things are upside down for me, my kitchen still hasn't been resealed, I have no idea when it will be done, also things are beyond my control with the kids, etc, I don't know if I can come" I would get it. Yes, I would be pissed off, but I would understand that. That is honest. But after hearing my story and deciding to question me on where everyone else is, why I won't ask Edie to come over again, what is the real problem, all this nonsense just to evade the real answer that she won't come and then gloss it over with questions about my new job and new place and hope it will be enough to pacify me, that was uncalled for. It made me feel like I was so insignificant and small, I thought I was worthless of anything. And I think that is what hurts the most: that my feelings don't matter at all if it disturbs the rest of the world.
Well, here are the facts:
1) My feelings do matter. Just because someone doesn't agree or rather disregard them doesn't make them less than valid.
2) Communication is two ways. My thoughts and feelings have to be received just as much as the other person's. It doesn't go one way.
3) I don't state my case just to stir up trouble. If I am talking, it is because something is amiss and it needs to be addressed. Even if someone doesn't like it doesn't change that position.
4) The most important: when I feel that my feelings or thoughts are being dismissed or swept under the rug (and when someone uses defense mechanisms to make me feel like my feelings are wrong) that hurts me a lot and I will respond negatively. I don't appreciate it and will not tolerate it under any circumstances: at work, with family, with friends, anyone. End of story.
I have had this happen too many times. I am getting older and need to feel at peace with my middle age and be able to have thoughts and feeling be understood to the world as well as others. Allow me this right and privilege to be able to move forward in this world.
A few weeks ago, I was moving my things from my apartment to a storage area and was scrambling to find people to help. I was in a bind because I had to be out by a certain date and my landlord had already made arrangements for another tenant to move in. (Along with that I could not afford the increase in rent which would have gone from $1050 to $1395. I don't have it). I originally called a moving company to see if they could do the job, however every weekend until my move out date was booked and a weekday would not work for me because I couldn't get the time off. I did manage to get two people to help me, a old colleague and his friend/roommate, to help. The arrangement I made was really clear: be ready to go as early as possible, move furniture, heavy boxes and packed items only, I would take care of snacks, drinks, whatever they needed as long as they communicated this with me, and the reward would be a big dinner wherever they wanted.
It did not happen that way or more to the point, it did not work out that way with my friend's roommate. What happened was Lou was ready to go as scheduled, Edie was not. Edie wanted to sleep in until 10am in the morning and called me the night before saying they would not be there that early. I had to call Lou to find out what was the real story; Lou ended up getting Edie out of bed early to get to my place. After we got going and got the truck ready for loading, Edie decided to take over the moving arrangements: she was ordering me to start packing items and that she was disappointed "this is not ready". I told her the concerns I had were the furniture and packed boxes, heavy ones priority; whatever was not packed, do not worry about. Edie didn't care because she wanted it done, done now, so she could go home, be with her son and plan for the Burning Man event in three weeks. Lou did most of the job with accuracy, speed and care; Edie was careless from the moment she got there. She was throwing boxes around saying "the light ones you can take over yourself". In her rush, she broke one bookcase that could not be repaired by dropping it outside and in her haste, dragged my dresser to the door and in the result putting so much stress on it, it collapsed. Along with that, she was complaining about the amount of books and clothes I had, why didn't I get rid of anything, more important, why didn't I get more help and why did I bother calling them when I could have called a mover or hired one of those guys waiting around at the U-Haul. I finally had to tell them after the second load to go home because this was really pissing me off. (I want to note that though I fixed the dresser and it is back to usable shape, the inconvenience in fixing it really did not cool down my fire about this). Along with that, since Edie was being careless with my items and complaining and whining, and would not give me a chance to explain or give feedback because she didn't want to hear it, I felt our business was done. One more thing: between loads they went home to shower and use the bathroom which took two hours and on the way to the storage unit, Edie lost the card with the code to gain access.
Considering all that happened on this weekend, I think the conclusion was obvious: Edie would not be asked to help anymore with moving or anything that needed help. Along with that, Edie would not be allowed in my home until it was understood that her behavior over this weekend was unacceptable and inappropriate. Don't get me wrong: I can understand if Edie realized halfway through she was not able to help due to mobility or weight of the boxes. But for her to sign up, do a job she knows she is not capable of, complain about it, be careless for the sake of saving time and as a result causing damage to my property was not acceptable. Before Edie can be allowed back into my home, I need to be perfectly satisfied that what happened on that weekend will not happen again and that whatever limitations she has are communicated to me before having her work. Lou is welcome into my home still, as long as Edie is not with him. No exceptions.
The aftermath of what happened also was unbearable. I had to start begging for help from everyone: old friends, strangers, family to get help. Unfortunately, assistance was not available which hurt a lot. But what hurt the most was when I asked my sister, Amy, for help and explained the story to her about what happened with Lou and Edie, Amy said: "Did you call a moving company?" I said yes, they were all booked. "What about Kathy?" (our aunt) I tried, I said, she is not free. "What about our cousins? What about your other friends? What about people at work?" I said I have tried, either they haven't got back to me or they are unavailable.
Here was what irked me the most during the conversation: during this I told her, "Look, I am trying everyone but I am beginning to run out of options. That is why I called you to ask for assistance." She said, in her psychiatric voice: "Well, I will be frank I understand Edie was a pain in the ass, but if you need this done and you have no one else to turn to, I would call her up, ask her to finish the job, and then cut her off if you need to." I told my sister that is not an option, I don't trust Edie in my home and she can't come back because of her irresponsibility and carelessness." "What is the problem; did Edie steal from you? All I have heard is that all she did was complain." I said, "Yes, but she was careless with my things, she broke my dresser and bookcase, I had to take time to get the dresser repaired, the bookcase is ruined. Edie lost the code to the storage area, she went home to get cleaned up between loads and didn't tell me where she was and she was being fast and furious with my stuff. I don't understand why this isn't clear enough". All Amy said was "Okay I still don't understand this. But if I were you, I would bring Lou and Edie back if you need this done and then let this go. I would come if I could but I still have to seal the new floor before it gets ruined by mold. By the way how is the new job? What is your new place like?" I felt like my needs were being swept under the rug like always. After giving generic answers to satisfy her and giving an excuse to hang up, I slammed the phone down and cried.
I kept asking myself what could I have done differently, how I could make this better? However, the questions that still come into my mind is "Why are my requests not clear? Why did it make sense to Lou and not Edie? Why is it not clear that I am not happy with the situation? More important, why after talking with Amy, my reasons for not allowing Edie in my home anymore, especially when they are valid and legitimate, don't seem legitimate at all?" The only conclusion I can come up with was that I am making my position clear, enough for Lou to understand, but Edie is so wrapped up with herself and whatever meds she is on, her communication skills and judgment are south. Bringing Edie to help was a mistake from the minute I called her.
What is worse, when I made my position clear to Amy about what happened to ask her for help, she used her psychiatric tactics to talk me into asking someone, even Edie and Lou, instead of her so she can be off the hook. Don't get me wrong: if Amy told me "Sammy, listen I am sorry. If I could help, I would. But things are upside down for me, my kitchen still hasn't been resealed, I have no idea when it will be done, also things are beyond my control with the kids, etc, I don't know if I can come" I would get it. Yes, I would be pissed off, but I would understand that. That is honest. But after hearing my story and deciding to question me on where everyone else is, why I won't ask Edie to come over again, what is the real problem, all this nonsense just to evade the real answer that she won't come and then gloss it over with questions about my new job and new place and hope it will be enough to pacify me, that was uncalled for. It made me feel like I was so insignificant and small, I thought I was worthless of anything. And I think that is what hurts the most: that my feelings don't matter at all if it disturbs the rest of the world.
Well, here are the facts:
1) My feelings do matter. Just because someone doesn't agree or rather disregard them doesn't make them less than valid.
2) Communication is two ways. My thoughts and feelings have to be received just as much as the other person's. It doesn't go one way.
3) I don't state my case just to stir up trouble. If I am talking, it is because something is amiss and it needs to be addressed. Even if someone doesn't like it doesn't change that position.
4) The most important: when I feel that my feelings or thoughts are being dismissed or swept under the rug (and when someone uses defense mechanisms to make me feel like my feelings are wrong) that hurts me a lot and I will respond negatively. I don't appreciate it and will not tolerate it under any circumstances: at work, with family, with friends, anyone. End of story.
I have had this happen too many times. I am getting older and need to feel at peace with my middle age and be able to have thoughts and feeling be understood to the world as well as others. Allow me this right and privilege to be able to move forward in this world.
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