How do you determine the right mate for you?
This is a complicated question: How do you know if you found the right man for yourself? (Or the right woman, if that is your preference?) What makes a person the right person for you? Now before we go into the characteristics every woman or man should look for, or your compatible interests, let me ask you this: what is it about your mate that compels you to stay with him, even if you are not married, what is it about your partner that makes him/her eager to stay with him?
I am predicting most of you are saying to yourselves because you love each other, and you are happy with each other, correct? Well, that can help, too, but love is not enough to keep a relationship or a marriage going. The same with happiness, children, work, compatible interests, goals, etc. For this, I will give you an example:
Last year, I was dating a very eligible bachelor, the perfect guy I always wanted: handsome, educated, determined, had a very impressive job, and an immaculate taste in clothes. He also had the same sense of humor and goals I had as well. He was, like me, an avid reader, and could quote passages from books he read, and was skilled with languages (which I am not, except with some French.) I will not give his name, to save face if he is reading this post, but the point is at the time, I thought he was perfect. However, he had one flaw: he had no feeling in him. I never once heard from him how he felt about me, in fact, everytime I told him I liked him, he would say, "I like me too" in a jovial manner, which was funny at first, but got a little old after a while, plus anytime I asked him a personal question, he would quote Thomas Jefferson, or Ralph Nader, or somebody else. Eventually, we did break up and never saw each other again, I still think of him and he would have been perfect if he had somewhere in him feeling or a soul.
I have also done the opposite of this man and before meeting him I dated a man completely opposite of him: not very attractive, a bit cloudy and naive, but very sweet and had good posture and very fit. I get it: we girls can't have it all right? However, although we were able to become good friends, many things were wrong with this relationship (and I quoting things he said to me, so don't think I am making this up): he has poor self-image of his looks, thinks of himself as "ugly" and calls himself "a retard." (God, I hate when people use this word). Plus, he fell in love with me too quick, at least a month after we started going out, and his backbone was weak, he can't defend himself, plus not up to date on the law or know basic things about movies or music, he couldn't even finish a book, no matter how simple the words were. I know I wasn't expecting a Cary Grant with this guy, but you would agree that if can't read a simple easy book (it was Harry Potter), thinks of himself a retard, that why a somewhat decent looking girl he quotes "beautiful" would go for an "ugly duck" like him and is too afraid to stand up for himself much less anyone, even though he is one sweet, sensitive person who can write a very good love letter, he probably isn't the best candidate for a lasting relationship. Don't get me wrong, I do like him, and he will always be a good friend of mine, but the potential was not there.
So, speaking from both sides of the spectrum, both guys were not compatible: the Prince Charming and the no-so handsome, potential mate. Am I out of the loop of finding the right guy? Maybe yes and maybe no. I am going to confess something to you: my third example is a man I have known for almost three years now, who a lot of you have told me you would hate and I don't blame you. His negatives: he can be self-centered, he is very set in his ways, he cannot find room for a deep relationship, his world is already mapped out for himself for at least the next 12 years or longer, and he has negative connotations about relationships and would rather be in a casual relationship than a deeper, meaningful one. Plus he cannot express his feelings to me about well, us. Also we don't have the same interests at all, even in goals. And before you say anything, yes, this alone makes him illegible already. Once upon a time, when I was 23, I would have agreed with you. However, at 26, when I met this man after getting out of a bad relationship worse than what I have described, and now at 29, I find him more appealing than even Prince Charming in example one. Because his virtues outweigh his faults: he is sensitive and passionate, very charming, intelligent, (he can get through one Harry Potter book, even if he didn't like the book:), poetic and creative, (he has a gift for writing), as well as being good-looking and athletic. And he has never hurt me nor would ever hurt me, physically or emotionally. Now I have tried to break off with him three times, because mainly of his faults alone, but somehow we end up trying again, and I remember telling myself after each meeting I would never meet him again, usually over his faults. Except for one thing: the one quality that even Prince Charming and Mr. Not-So-Handsome could accomplish: he likes me as me, and hopes and prays that I will evolve to be a better person, not the person he wants, but the best person I can be, he accepts me as me and his own example of himself striving to be a better person, makes me want to be a better person, the person I want and hope to be-- a stable, loving person, who can depend on herself, and not a man. Even though this gentleman may never want a relationship with me, even though we have accomplished different things and have very different interests, I'd rather have him than either the other two men: because in their eyes, the saw me how they wanted me to be, as does all the other guys I dated: but this one, the not-so-perfect one, despite my flaws, never tried to change me, and that is how I know he is the right one: because despite everything, if you truly care for someone, even if you two are as different as night and day, you love them for who they are, always.
I am predicting most of you are saying to yourselves because you love each other, and you are happy with each other, correct? Well, that can help, too, but love is not enough to keep a relationship or a marriage going. The same with happiness, children, work, compatible interests, goals, etc. For this, I will give you an example:
Last year, I was dating a very eligible bachelor, the perfect guy I always wanted: handsome, educated, determined, had a very impressive job, and an immaculate taste in clothes. He also had the same sense of humor and goals I had as well. He was, like me, an avid reader, and could quote passages from books he read, and was skilled with languages (which I am not, except with some French.) I will not give his name, to save face if he is reading this post, but the point is at the time, I thought he was perfect. However, he had one flaw: he had no feeling in him. I never once heard from him how he felt about me, in fact, everytime I told him I liked him, he would say, "I like me too" in a jovial manner, which was funny at first, but got a little old after a while, plus anytime I asked him a personal question, he would quote Thomas Jefferson, or Ralph Nader, or somebody else. Eventually, we did break up and never saw each other again, I still think of him and he would have been perfect if he had somewhere in him feeling or a soul.
I have also done the opposite of this man and before meeting him I dated a man completely opposite of him: not very attractive, a bit cloudy and naive, but very sweet and had good posture and very fit. I get it: we girls can't have it all right? However, although we were able to become good friends, many things were wrong with this relationship (and I quoting things he said to me, so don't think I am making this up): he has poor self-image of his looks, thinks of himself as "ugly" and calls himself "a retard." (God, I hate when people use this word). Plus, he fell in love with me too quick, at least a month after we started going out, and his backbone was weak, he can't defend himself, plus not up to date on the law or know basic things about movies or music, he couldn't even finish a book, no matter how simple the words were. I know I wasn't expecting a Cary Grant with this guy, but you would agree that if can't read a simple easy book (it was Harry Potter), thinks of himself a retard, that why a somewhat decent looking girl he quotes "beautiful" would go for an "ugly duck" like him and is too afraid to stand up for himself much less anyone, even though he is one sweet, sensitive person who can write a very good love letter, he probably isn't the best candidate for a lasting relationship. Don't get me wrong, I do like him, and he will always be a good friend of mine, but the potential was not there.
So, speaking from both sides of the spectrum, both guys were not compatible: the Prince Charming and the no-so handsome, potential mate. Am I out of the loop of finding the right guy? Maybe yes and maybe no. I am going to confess something to you: my third example is a man I have known for almost three years now, who a lot of you have told me you would hate and I don't blame you. His negatives: he can be self-centered, he is very set in his ways, he cannot find room for a deep relationship, his world is already mapped out for himself for at least the next 12 years or longer, and he has negative connotations about relationships and would rather be in a casual relationship than a deeper, meaningful one. Plus he cannot express his feelings to me about well, us. Also we don't have the same interests at all, even in goals. And before you say anything, yes, this alone makes him illegible already. Once upon a time, when I was 23, I would have agreed with you. However, at 26, when I met this man after getting out of a bad relationship worse than what I have described, and now at 29, I find him more appealing than even Prince Charming in example one. Because his virtues outweigh his faults: he is sensitive and passionate, very charming, intelligent, (he can get through one Harry Potter book, even if he didn't like the book:), poetic and creative, (he has a gift for writing), as well as being good-looking and athletic. And he has never hurt me nor would ever hurt me, physically or emotionally. Now I have tried to break off with him three times, because mainly of his faults alone, but somehow we end up trying again, and I remember telling myself after each meeting I would never meet him again, usually over his faults. Except for one thing: the one quality that even Prince Charming and Mr. Not-So-Handsome could accomplish: he likes me as me, and hopes and prays that I will evolve to be a better person, not the person he wants, but the best person I can be, he accepts me as me and his own example of himself striving to be a better person, makes me want to be a better person, the person I want and hope to be-- a stable, loving person, who can depend on herself, and not a man. Even though this gentleman may never want a relationship with me, even though we have accomplished different things and have very different interests, I'd rather have him than either the other two men: because in their eyes, the saw me how they wanted me to be, as does all the other guys I dated: but this one, the not-so-perfect one, despite my flaws, never tried to change me, and that is how I know he is the right one: because despite everything, if you truly care for someone, even if you two are as different as night and day, you love them for who they are, always.
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